Some free advice

Expert on the Nordic banking crisis, Matthew Reeves, gives his analysis of the preachings of the head of the UK Jesus fan club.

I haven't been feeling that well recently. It's something worse than any petty ailment - a sense of dread and panic. It all started when I opened the exam paper and read the words "Nordic Banking Crisis". I didn't even know they had banks out there. Don't they keep all their money under the ice pillows in their igloos? People say they do their best thinking on the loo or in the shower, sitting in an exam is much better than the two put together, and with a lot less mess.

At my neat little desk, surrounded by my fellow students of Economics, being patrolled by elderly lecturers' WAGS, I sat and waited. Not for the exam to finish, nor for any divine inspiration, I was waiting for someone else to leave - well, you can't be the first can you? That's just not gentlemanly.

Where on earth am I going? Both metaphorically and literally, nowhere. I'm sitting at a foldaway desk, which any of the Nordic nations would be proud to have designed, hours from the end of my Economics exam and just weeks from finishing my degree. It hasn't been entirely pointless, certainly not. I've earned some great marks and taken an internship at a very reputable firm, all of which has taught me that economics and high-pressured work is definitely not what I live for. I'll pay someone else to do my investment for me and balance my books. How will I afford it? That's the tricky part.

To find that perfect job, I needed some inspiration. Scanning the newspapers hardly helped. There really isn't much news, it's mainly opinions. Bankers are still hated. But that wouldn't bother me. I'd have to relearn some of the Economics I've forgotten and quite a lot besides but the pay is great (for now). I hope the bonus cuts are temporary. I'd like to retire at 30 and build that bat cave I've always dreamed of.

From reading the newspapers I've also learnt that many people are upset by the Cadbury takeover. Their main objection seems to be that Kraft is American. How is this a problem? Have you ever seen an American? They are massive. Kraft is to obesity what Bernie Maddoff is to fraud. They're the best. They'll have us all on gastric bands in a few years. If McDonalds can renovate half of its restaurants and still increase its profits in a recession, imagine what Kraft can do during a recovery? It's clearly a growth industry.

I've also been dreaming that one day I'll be rich enough to be invited to attend Davos. I don't think I'd go - even the website made me feel a little nauseous. And who likes Swiss chocolate anyway (far too rich). Also, you'd have to put up with being lectured by people like the beardy head of the UK Jesus fan club, Rowan Williams, who had these thoughtful words: "We have to imagine what an economy would look like if we were genuinely focused on making and sustaining a home". I imagine it would be rubbish. The Tudors could make and sustain a home but if you had a headache, they'd drill the demon out. It's the push to have more than we have now, being greedy in other words, which drives an economy. But admitting you want to be filthy rich earns you society's hypocritical hatred. So we pretend we'd rather be poor instead. As if every lottery participant dreams of setting up a dolphin sanctuary. Millions will tweet on their Macs, via their 50meg Virgin Media fibre optic line, that possessions are of no importance - just like their opinions.

I don't see my fortune being made through banking a huge bonus or selling chocolate so I'm going to follow the advice of B. C. Forbes, founder of Forbes Magazine, who said: "You make more money selling the advice than following it". I plan to set up a current affairs newspaper solely publishing unverifiable opinions. Or has that already been done?

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